Navigating Your Way Through a Divorce
Don't be a rudderless ship - take control and keep strong and focused.
Picture by Sander Sammy on Unsplash
Any relationship breakup is tough, but a divorce is even more so. It gets complicated on so many levels. It will be a roller coaster ride of emotions; one day you will feel incredibly happy and the next, you will feel as though you are in the depths of despair. That’s how it is. I should know. I got divorced after twenty-three years of marriage and I had been with my husband since the age of sixteen.
Once you have decided to end the marriage and go your separate ways, the dissolution of a marriage is not that difficult, in principle. Particularly since 6th April of this year in the UK when the law changed. You can read more about that here. In other words, you can now get divorced without having a specific reason, or what is called ‘no fault’ divorces. Which is refreshing and takes away the ‘blame game’ of who said what and why. It also includes time for reflection and places trust in the parties to decide if their marriage is truly over.
What is difficult is that two people have lived side-by-side in harmony, perhaps for many years, building a home together, sometimes producing and providing for children, and those lives now have to be disentangled.
Most people employ the services of a solicitor who will guide them through the process, which can become complicated. But that’s not what I am going to address here. I will leave the legal ins and outs for another post. I am going to address the pitfalls and things to watch out for on the emotional front and how to side-step issues that could become both stressful and upsetting.
Children are the main priority and anything that you can do to protect them from the fallout of the ending of your marriage is paramount. After all, they are caught in the middle and should never be used as emotional pawns. They are going to be upset, naturally, because their home is being broken up and they don’t know what or where their future lies. If the two adults involved can put their children’s needs first, that is wonderful. Whatever has gone on between the two of you should be kept private and even though emotions will be running high, keep the children at the forefront of your priorities to safeguard them and their welfare.
Unless one partner is fortunate enough to be able to buy the other person out, the marital home will probably have to be sold to divide up the assets. Again, the division of these assets will either be drawn up by a solicitor or the courts will get involved. Either way, it will be a long, difficult and protracted procedure and these things take time.
Once the house is put on the market, this is where things could get awkward, especially if one of you has left and the other is still living there. My suggestion would be to let the estate agent be the one to contact prospective purchasers and let them do the viewings. Otherwise, as happened to me in my second relationship break-up, my ex-partner did everything in his power to thwart the sale, to the point of him insisting on showing prospective buyers around and then proceeding to put them off. The reason I worked this out is that no offers were received and three estate agents later (I blamed this on poor service on their part) when a fourth agent got involved, which was for a flat fee, so, no sale, no fee, bingo! We received an offer the following day. She did the viewings and insisted that my ex-partner not be present. That was far from the end of the tale but again, that is for another post another day. We did eventually sell the property we had lived in and jointly owned.
In some cases, it may be necessary to obtain a court order to force a person to sell a property. There are ways and means and the law is there to protect you.
Be prepared for the once kind and loving person to turn into an ogre and someone you hardly recognise. It is painful and you have to keep strong. There will be days when you wonder when or even whether it will all end. But it will. Keep focused on your end goal and take one step at a time.
If you can keep things amicable between you, that is your best way forward. If your partner turns nasty, try and outwit them. Don’t get involved in stand-offs and don’t rise to the bait of them goading you because as I know only too well, goad you they will. It is surprising how a once shy, docile person can turn nasty. They go into survival mode and fight like caged animals.
Keep calm and think things through before reacting to any situation.
Take time to assess things and call your solicitor to run things by them if you feel the need. I know legal fees are high but sometimes, it is worth getting some advice.
Keep a strong network of friends and family around you. Ask for help if you need it, whether it be to talk or take advice on your financial situation. Most people sadly have experienced divorce, whether it be their own or a close family member or friend. We all have our own set of circumstances and along the way, have gained invaluable knowledge and wisdom.
If you feel that you need to seek professional help in terms of your mental health, then start with your GP or go on the NHS website to see what help is available.
If I look back on my divorce and subsequent ten-year relationship break-up, my one piece of advice would be to minimise contact with the person you are detaching yourself from. It is incredibly painful and emotional and we all handle these situations differently. I allowed myself to be emotionally blackmailed and that was not a sensible thing to do. I should have been stronger and said ‘no’ to the demands being put on me.
A checklist of things that I wish I had known about before my divorce and the break-up of my ten-year relationship:-
1. Keep records of everything: bills that you pay, mortgage payments, bank statements, etc. Download them if you bank online and keep them organised and up-to-date. You will need them as evidence. Also, keep a copy or screenshots of any texts or messages your partner has sent which you think could help your case further down the line. Make a note of any conversations and/or agreements made between you and date them. Again, keep them organised and up-to-date.
2. Take one step at a time, each day at a time. It will be a long and difficult process but by addressing each issue at a time, keep things in focus and try not to feel overwhelmed.
3. Seek help from professionals, family and friends, even if it’s for moral support.
4. If you think a decision is unfair, say so. Stick to your guns and don’t be bullied into doing something you don’t feel is right for you or something that you feel is unfair.
5. Talk. If you can talk to the person involved, you will save a lot of money on legal fees, but only on your terms and when it is strictly necessary. Otherwise, as I mentioned above, keep contact to a minimum if at all possible.
6. Look at the bigger picture beyond the ending of the marriage. There is a whole new world that will become available to you. You are going to build a new life for yourself and whatever your goals and ambitions after your divorce, keep them sharply in focus to help you through those difficult times.
There will be bumps in the road, lots of them in all probability, but it’s the way that you deal with those bumps that will determine the path you navigate through your divorce and whether it be a rocky one or a smooth route through.
One final word of advice: try and be philosophical about the situation. Remember, you loved that person enough once upon a time to make a lifetime commitment to them. The fact that things didn’t work out between you doesn’t mean that it’s your fault and it doesn’t mean that the relationship was a failure. Particularly if you were fortunate enough to have children together. Try to remember the good times and move on with your life with a positive outlook.
If you are going through a divorce at the moment, I wish you well and hope that the outcome is good and fair for both parties and any children involved.
If you have any questions, please get in touch: rosy@rosygee.com I will be happy to help if I can.
I am not a qualified relationship advisor and any advice that I give is entirely based on my life experiences. I have been through a divorce, survived a toxic relationship breakup, and eventually found happiness.
If you have any questions or situations that you would like me to explore and offer my advice on, please do get in touch.