How Do You Know If Your New Partner is 'The One'?

Some helpful advice on how to find out

I was talking to a friend recently who is single, divorced and has no children.  She has swiped her way through numerous dates, some of which have gone on to last a couple of meet-ups, but the search continues for ‘the perfect’ partner. 

I tried to tell her that there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ partner. She looked at me quizzically. 

I explained that initially, we are all on our best behaviour (out to impress) but as time goes on, people relax and once the first flushes of that heady, romantic phase recedes, another phase kicks in and then another until, over time, you plateau into a long-term relationship, which feels a bit like a pair of comfy old slippers. Familiar, comfortable and always there when you need them.

During each phase, we learn things about our partners and we either like what we find out about them or we adapt and find ways of accepting whatever it is that irks us: their manic work ethic or endless hours spent on the golf course. Whatever they do that doesn’t quite sit well with us, we have two choices. We can accept it or talk to them about how your interwoven lives can work around whatever it is that is bothering you.

My friend said she had dated this one guy four times and was getting rather fond of him.  He was a great cook, loved going out to nice restaurants and drank good wines, some of the things which she enjoyed too.  He was also single, divorced and had no children.

I nodded encouragingly.  ‘That’s always good when you have the same interests and some things in common.  If you were a carnivore and went out with a vegetarian, that could become difficult over time or a drinker who courted a non-drinker or a smoker who paired up with a non-smoker.  She got my drift.  The more things we have in common with our partners, the more likely the relationship is going to succeed and be a happy one.  In my opinion, based on my experience, I was keen to add.

‘So, what’s next?’ I asked.

She wasn’t sure. 

‘You don’t really know somebody until you have lived with them or worked with them,’ I told her.

Again, that raised eyebrow from her.

‘It’s true.  We are all on our best behaviour in a smart restaurant where we speak politely to the staff and leave a tip if the service was good, but when we get home behind closed doors we could turn into anybody. Remember the film, Sleeping With The Enemy? I’m not suggesting for one moment that your new partner may be controlling and abusive (to the extent that you fake your own death in order to escape them, as in the film), but it takes time to get to know somebody really well.

‘Are you suggesting that we move in together?’ she asked in a very high-pitched voice.

‘No! Of course not. In fact, I would recommend the opposite. Take things slowly and don’t rush into anything. Keep your lives (houses, bank accounts, etc) separate until you are one hundred percent certain about committing to each other. Even then, I would suggest keeping your finances separate. But what I would suggest is that you go away together for an overnight stay somewhere.’

‘I have a dog,’ she replied.

‘There are loads of dog-friendly hotels and Airbnbs’ I countered.

I suggested that she book somewhere that was pooch-friendly with great walks and a good restaurant nearby and see how things went. Then, if it all went well, her and her new partner can do it again and if it turns out to be a complete disaster, it’s only the one night that you have to endure. It could break or seal the relationship or at the very least, give you a further insight into what makes your new partner tick and it’s an opportunity to get to know them better.

She thought it was a great idea and although it’s not the same as living or working with somebody, going away with somebody on holiday does give you a deeper dive into aspects of their personality that you wouldn’t normally be privy to on a date lasting just a few hours.

After all, if you are going to be spending 24/7 with a partner, you need to know that they don’t just cook to impress, but you would like to know that they don’t mind doing the laundry occasionally or picking up a weekly shop or taking the pooch out for a mooch.  In other words, you need to find out if you are ‘in-tune’ with them and can not only tolerate them for longer periods of time, but enjoy being with them for an entire lifetime, which puts a whole new slant on things.

She smiled and thanked me for my advice.  All I had done was to open her mind to some options on how to get to know her new partner better.

I’ll keep my fingers crossed that he might be ‘the one.’ I have a funny feeling that he could well be.

I am not a qualified relationship advisor and any advice that I give is entirely based upon my life experiences. I have been through a divorce, survived a toxic relationship break-up and have lived a long and full life.

If you have any questions or situations that you would like me to explore and offer my advice on, please do get in touch.

(The photo at the top of this post is by Shingi Rice on Unsplash)