From Hero to Zero – Why Do We Fall Out of Love?
And how hard should we fight to save a relationship?
Remember those first heady days of falling in love when the world looked and felt such an exciting place, full of joy and wonder?
How many famous pairings over the years have we all thought were perfect when the couple appeared blissfully happy, but things were not what they seemed?
A few notable couplings spring to mind: Charles and Diana, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt and, probably the most famous and tempestuous love stories of them all, Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor.
So, when and perhaps more importantly, why, do the cracks in a relationship begin to appear? Each pairing is unique and I couldn’t possibly uncover every reason why couples fall out of love but, based on my own experiences, several factors are key in relationships breaking down:-
Trust
Financial difficulties
Bad timekeeping
Untidiness or laziness
Poor manners/bad habits
Children — your own or those from another relationship
Pets
Infidelity
Do you trust your partner?
Trust is a major issue. It is very important and when you know that you can completely, one hundred percent trust your partner, that is a solid basis for any relationship. It feels stable and there are no chinks in your armour - either of you. You can rely on each other, no matter what, and are always there for each other rain or shine.
Financial difficulties
Money can create friction and cause arguments. Financial difficulties put a tremendous strain on couples and when you are forced to go without things like holidays or upgrading a car, it can be upsetting. Worse still, not having enough money to pay day-to-day bills puts intolerable pressure on a relationship, causing fissures and fractures to appear in a once-solid foundation.
Poor timekeeping
Bad timekeeping is a big issue for me. I cannot bear tardiness when it comes to keeping appointments, whether it be a friend turning up late for a drink or your partner not keeping to their word, it signifies that they don’t think you are important enough to make an effort to turn up on time.
Obviously, situations occur where people can’t make it on time, I get that, but because I am always respectful of time-keeping, I expect others to be just as punctual. If somebody is going to be late, the very least they can do is to let you know.
Untidy or lazy behaviour
None of us are perfect and we all have different standards and sometimes, if in a hurry, we don’t always have time to leave things at home ship-shape, but if my significant other was not very particular in this department, it would irk me.
I am a very neat and tidy person and consequently, if somebody in my space is untidy, it bothers me. I tolerate it for a short time during holiday periods and visits by family and their offspring when children play with toys and our home looks like a bomb has dropped on it, that is okay. The rest of the time, however, I like my home to be neat, clean and tidy and my partner respects that. Fortunately, my husband is of a like mind so we live together in neat and tidy harmony.
‘Manners Maketh Man’
Good manners were drilled into me as a child. ‘Please’ and ‘thank you’ were the first words that I taught my daughter. They cost nothing but pay you back ten-fold when you can help somebody lesser able or bring a smile to a stranger’s face when you hold a door open for them. The world is a better place when we show humanity to our fellow humans.
Being respectful and having good manners in a relationship is very important to me. Again, we are all different and it may not be as high on the agenda for others as it is for me.
Little people are adorable but can be hard work
Children can also put serious pressure on couples. Talk to any new parent and they will invariably say that the new arrival is amazing but hard work. Sleep deprivation is extremely difficult to cope with and blurs your judgment and physical ability to tackle even the simplest of tasks.
Tiredness and a rocket launched through your once-comfortable lifestyle, because a newborn or adopted/foster child can wreak havoc with any routine that you once had. That is the nature of children. However organised you think you are, they have a habit of turning things completely upside down.
Sometimes, children from a previous relationship can cause more difficult situations. This is a common denominator these days and broken homes are sadly quite common. However, when a couple connect and make the momentous decision to create a home together to include any children from a previous relationship, it can be a difficult time of readjustment for everybody.
It takes time to get used to new people being around you in your new home or in your space and great care and understanding needs to be taken. Everybody has different needs and personalities and with any large group of people, the mix can create friction if not handled well.
Patience is a virtue and talking things through is important if something is bothering you. Clear the air and get things out into the open rather than bottling them up inside, with the inevitable consequences of exploding when you least expect the volcano inside you to erupt. This could damage the relationship irretrievably, which is the last thing you want. Tackle the problem before it reaches this point.
Furry friends
Sometimes, a new pet can bring a different dimension to a relationship, particularly if one partner is more keen than the other. Financial pressures can be put under even more strain, especially in terms of veterinary bills, pet insurance, doggy day-care, dog walkers and all the other paraphernalia associated with caring for a canine companion.
Depending on circumstances, one partner may wonder why they took on the added complication of a pet. Hopefully, though, the addition of a pet will be beneficial and not cause too much stress in a relationship.
Infidelity
When one partner strays, this may be an indication of their unhappiness. It could be that they are just that way inclined but whatever the cause of them being unfaithful, there are usually underlying issues. These need to be talked about and ironed out.
Also, the faithful partner may not want to accept the unfaithful partner back resulting in the breakdown of the relationship. This is a tough situation and needs some serious working through.
You have to ask yourself some questions:-
Do you have it in your heart to forgive this person?
Can you trust them not to stray again in the future?
Is what you have worth saving?
Will you be able to put it behind you and move on?
If you have a strong relationship and genuinely feel that it is worth saving, my advice would be to try and work things out. I have known couples who broke up because one or other of them strayed (one was a one-night stand which he deeply regretted at a work-related conference) and neither partner ever found true happiness again.
Another couple separated but then got back together and have gone from strength to strength because they were able to work through their differences.
We are all flawed. The question is, do we have the strength of character to forgive and (not forget), but move on and take the relationship to a new, higher level.
How hard should we fight to save a relationship?
So, does it follow that when everything in our lives is going smoothly with no financial difficulties or other situations that can put us under pressure, the relationship flourishes? No, not necessarily, although when everything is hunky-dory, life does seem to be easier and less stressful. It is only when that stress becomes burdensome and unmanageable that we begin to feel the strains on our physical and mental well-being, which in turn can affect our intimate relationships, deeply in some cases.
Alternatively, we could simply have fallen out of love with the person we once adored. This does happen.
How hard you fight to save the relationship depends on how much you want to save it and, more importantly, if you think it is worth saving
If you truly love your partner and can look beyond the problems or issues that bother you, then fight with all your might because the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere. However, if the obstacles are such that you cannot work through them, this will inevitably impact the dynamics of your relationship and in turn, the quality of your life.
As a new relationships flourishes and settles into a long-term pairing, we have to be true to ourselves. If we are so unhappy that we can no longer tolerate being in that relationship, it is time to face some hard truths.
The couple I mentioned previously, the one whose marriage ended because of a one-night stand, the wife lived to regret that decision for the rest of his life because she went on to marry and divorce several times and is now living alone.
The other couple who separated and decided to get back together have worked hard and built on a solid foundation and have lived a long and happy life. Together.
We have two choices: we can either try and fix the cracks and build bridges to save the relationship or face up to reality that the partnership is destined not to be a ‘forever’ one.
If talking things through and trying to work things out doesn’t reap rewards, then perhaps it is time to end the relationship. Life is too short to be unhappy.
However, if you truly love your partner and think that you can work through the issues that you have, then fight with all your might because the grass isn’t always greener elsewhere.
Good luck and if you have any questions or situations that you would like me to explore and offer my advice on, please do get in touch.
I am not a qualified relationship advisor and any advice that I give is entirely based upon my life experiences. I have been through a divorce, survived a toxic relationship break-up and am now happily married.
(The evocative image at the top of this post is by Farida Davletshina on Unsplash)
This article originally appeared on my Medium page, but has been significantly adapted.